Laying it all out...

As all of you can see just by looking at me that I have struggled with my weight. It has caused me to be depressed, frustrated, angry. I am disappointed in myself. That I have allowed myself to get like this. Growing up and through my high school years, even into my early college years and after having my first born, I never felt fat. No one ever told me I was fat or overweight or even bad looking. In fact, I received my fair share of compliments. Granted I was never supermodel skinny. I have always had a little tummy, but nothing that made me even think twice about my appearance.
After having my daughter I started to notice the weight and it never would come off. I started getting bigger and bigger. My husband and I am sure everyone else noticed too. I have for the better part of  nine years worked on getting this weight off only to put it back on. Losing 25 pounds, which is the most I have ever lost on a diet only resulted in me gaining back 35 pounds.
I have prayed and asked God to help me loose the weight. I have even joked that if He would just allow me to wake up at 105 pound I am sure I could maintain it.
I heard our pastor speak this weekend and he was saying that only we control our spirits. God does not even control our spirits. We control how we use what he has blessed us with. From money to our own bodies.  Even though all things belong to God, we are in charge of how we care for what He blesses us with. Only I can control what I put into my body, He has blessed me with. This is common sense to a certain degree, yes? I have never really let that sink in. I told my self I was not strong enough to change my eating habits, but the truth is that God has already given me the strength and ability to lose this weight that plagues me. I choose not to be victorious over this, whether I like it or not, it is on me. I can not expect God to hear or even answer prayers for my health or a long life when I am overeating every time I am happy, sad, bored, frustrated.  We pray and ask God to bless us with more money, responsibilities at work, recognition, health, more relationships, better relationships but we fail to take care of what we have already. I am incredibly guilty of all of this.
Time to stop. Time to not just try to do better, but actually do better. So here it goes, I begin with all of you aware and watching me. No pressure, really. Not from you watching, but from my kids watching. I want to show them that I can start something and finish it and that it is important to be that kind of person. I want my daughter to see me being healthy and active. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see me valuing the one and only body I will ever have. I want to show God how grateful I am that He wakes me up everyday and take care of this body he has blessed me with. Do I make any sense? I have wrestled with the idea of sharing my current weight. I have debated in my own head whether or not to tell my own husband. Ugh! I have kept this a closely guarded secret that only my doctor knows.  I would hate to hear what the guesses would be, so please don't guess. I will get back to that a little later.

Something is going on...

I know this, something is happening. God is doing something. I have heard time and time again, in these past few weeks of people that I really care about dealing with sickness in them personally or someone they love. My own baby is even going to have to have surgery this coming week. All I can do is pray. That in fact it is the best thing to do, right? Our pastor spoke this week on financial blessing and security. His message, though it was geared toward finances touched on possessions, people and plans. We own nothing, we own no one. It all belongs to God. Thinking about that and what that means. The fact that everything and everyone important to us even ourselves does not belong to us. Not my children, husband, friends, my own body, home, money. Nothing belongs to me. I am in control of none of it. To try to control any of it is insanity in my opinion. I have tried and tried and tried. Only to be hurt, disappointed in my self, others. Gotta let it go. Let everyone go. I have often joked that if everyone I knew would just do what I said they would be happy, I would be happy. I have heard others make that joke too. We think we know everything, we know nothing. God knows...He knows the plans He has for us. His plans are good, His ways are good. I don't know where I am going with this, just that I have come to the conclusion that I have to let it go. Whatever "it" is at the time, who ever "it" is at the time. I am not saying I will not pray over situations and people. We are suppose to. I am saying though that I have to learn that I can't control people, what they say, what they do. Give them to God. Ask Him what I should to with my life, children, future. It was a really great sermon and you should listen to it at yourtrinity.org. Pastor Jimmy says it all a lot better than I do.